Trust

One of the best things to do on December 1st is to log out of all social media. Failure to do so can lead to hours of frustration trying to find anything of any interest among the 30 trillion identical posts in two distinct categories. Firstly, Christmas trees. Oh look, everyone got a Christmas tree! And did they put lights on it? Yup. Baubles? Uh-huh. Draped it in tinsel? How did you know?! Isn't it fun to see the way everyone decorates them slightly differently from each other? No. No it isn't. 

Secondly, Spotify Wrapped. Once a year, at the start of December, Spotify decides it's vitally important to tell us what music we've been listening to the most this year. And it's obviously a hugely anticipated moment because, for some reason, none of us already know what we've been listening to. And in our excitement we rush to tell the rest of the world. And then it turns out they've also gorged all year on a feast of Ed Sheeran and Kate Bush. Hooray!

While never likely to get close to my top artists list, Bon Jovi have been strangely significant in my life this year. On Whatsapp I've had a group of friends who have been supporting me and praying for me throughout my transplant journey. My love of a good/terrible pun led to the Bon Jovi inspired naming of this group as "Liver on a Prayer". I can't express how important to me this group of people were and continue to be. Mostly they're Christian friends but by the time I had my transplant there were a number of other religious and non religious friends all of whom kept me going through the toughest times. 

Every step of the way they were supporting me, encouraging me and praying for me. Those based locally to us also jumped at every opportunity to help our family practically. They have also celebrated with us in my recovery. So far, everything seems to have gone really well. As we head towards 6 months post transplant, the Doctors are happy with how my liver is doing, my blood results all look good, I've managed to run 5k and I've been back working full time for the last 3 months. I have so much to thank God for.

It would be easy to say that we prayed and God answered and everything is great but Bon Jovi made a further, unexpected appearance in my 2022. This year I have met in person and online a number of amazing people also facing the need for liver transplants. Another Whatsapp group I had featured 3 of us all with PSC and all needing transplants. We shared our joys and challenges, supported each other, encouraged each other, kept each other going. Our situations weren't identical but we understood each other. We each had young families and dreamed of what might be after transplant. We planned to all meet up for a coke once we had had our transplants and recovered. 2 of us will do that in the New Year.

"Living on a Prayer" was played at the funeral of the 3rd member of the group. He never got a new liver. The future he dared to dream of won't happen. So this song that hitched a lift on my transplant journey now also represents the tragedy of a family robbed so horribly. My friends prayers for me seemingly answered. My prayers for my friend seemingly ignored. It's horrendously unfair.

I have often heard people saying that they are trusting God to do such and such a thing. If trusting God is just in what he will do then, at some point, that trust will be broken. God doesn't always do what I think he should and at times that's devastating. Over the last few years I have been on a journey of trying to trust God that he will be with me through everything and to trust him to be with Bex and the kids if I don't make it.

I have so much to be thankful for this year and alongside all the medical teams and friends and family who have been amazing, I do thank God for being with me and helping me through. When I went down to the theatre I don't remember being fearful (which I absolutely would've expected to be)- this is probably "the peace of God which surpasses all understanding" that the Bible talks about. But I also mourn for the donor whose name I do not know and for the handful of friends who have been taken too soon by this disease. In the midst of the joy and the sadness, I can only chose to treasure the life I have and live that life as best I can. 2022 was such a hard year but a beaten and bruised version of me is stepping with deep gratitude into 2023.